I’ve wanted to write this post for some time but have struggled with the best way to communicate clearly what I’ve been thinking about and feeling in regard to the topic of foster care and adoption. Two weeks ago when we went to sign our final paperwork with DFCS for adopting our two younger kids I feel like God clarified some of it for me.
For some time now, one of the songs that we’ve been singing during worship time at our church is “Death Was Arrested” by North Point InsideOut. Every time it gets to the second part of the first verse, I have to choke back tears. Honestly, this isn’t completely unusual. I think it’s pretty “normal” to get a little emotional when contemplating the vastness of who God is, but with this particular song the emotional response hasn’t come from that, specifically. It comes from the words of the second part of the first verse of the song. They say,
Ash was redeemed only beauty remains
My orphan heart was given a name
My mourning grew quiet my feet rose to dance
When death was arrested and my life began
It’s that second line that really gets me every time.
I don’t think it’s any secret that Bryan and I have and have had a passion for Foster and Adoptive care. Fostering is kind of a weird phenomenon. I always tell people that it definitely has to be a calling. It’s very rewarding but also difficult, in a lot of ways. You have to be prepared for anything, especially during the phase of waiting for new placements to come.
I remember when we got the call for placement for our two younger ones. It was Super Bowl Sunday last year at about 7am in the morning. We were awakened by a call from our DFCS Resource Development Coordinator. We knew she was probably calling us with a potential placement. (Foster parent tip: If the DFCS worker is calling you early in the morning, late at night or on a weekend, you can pretty much bet they are calling to see if you can take a placement. 😉) She told us they had two siblings that needed placement. One was a 4 month old little boy and the other was a 22 month old little girl. They had the boy (for now we’ll call him M) in custody from the ER but they weren’t “exactly sure” where the little girl (for now we’ll call her N) was and they were working on trying to find her. It took DFCS a few hours to pin down the location of N, but eventually they ended up at our home later that day.
Like most Sundays, our plan was to go to church and then spend a restful afternoon at home after that. This wasn’t what God had planned for us on this day. Instead we were up at 7am making sure we had everything we needed to care for a 4 month old and 22 month old. We added a toddler bed to Kathleen’s room for the little girl and set up the Pack n Play in our bedroom for the 4 month old. We tried to remember if we had all of the pieces for the crib that was in our attic.
This is kind of how it is with foster care. You do a lot of (or sometimes a little) waiting. Then you get a call and you have to decide whether or not to take kids into your home for an indefinite period of time. On this day, Bryan and I took about 15-20 minutes and then called the case worker back to let her know that we were good to take 2 new family members into our home. And usually that’s how it goes: You get the call, you think about it for a short period of time and then you say yay or nay. If you say yes, then you almost instantly have an expanded family. For us, on that day, we doubled the number of kids in our home. Unbeknownst to us, this would become a permanent change.
When the kids come, you really don’t know if they will be with you for six days, six weeks, six months, six years or if they will eventually be up for adoption. As foster parents, you go into the situation having essentially no idea how things will play out. This is why I say it has to be a calling. Dealing with that kind of uncertainty, but still choosing to do it, must be something that you are 120% committed to. There has to be a higher reason for why you are doing it, in my opinion, or you won’t last long. When the DFCS worker brings the kids, they give you the information they have. Sometimes they have a good bit of information but more often, they don’t know much, depending on how the kids came into care.
On that day, M came with a few diapers from the hospital and 2 onesies that the ER nurses had gone out and bought him while he was there. N came still in her pajamas with a grocery bag with a few pull ups, a few clothes and a bag of chips (I don’t know why I always remember that there was a bag of chips. It just stands out). And that was all they brought.
This is not uncommon for children coming into foster care. Many times, they will come with few clothes or supplies. It’s not uncommon for kids to come with a grocery or trash bag with random items in them. I think this is a result of a number of things, not necessarily a reflection on lack of care by the birth parents. Often it’s the swiftness with which the children are removed from where they are located. One of the saddest things is that some children come into care and DFCS is unsure of things like their age, or even their name. How could a child come from a situation where there is uncertainty about their identity or name?
Thankfully, we have not had a situation where a child came to us and their name was uncertain, but each time I hear the line, “My orphaned heart was given a name”, I can’t help but think of the fact that there are children who come into care without a name or with uncertainty about their identity. Honestly, this just makes me want to cry. It’s inconceivable to me that a child could be in this world and something as fundamental, so important to who they are, could essentially be TBD.
(This is part of the reason we have not changed our children’s first names when we have adopted them. They have lost so much, and it seems the least we can do is let them keep one of the only things they were born with – their names. But that’s a discussion for another post.)
Like I said, this fact makes me want to cry but the ultimate reason may not be what some may initially perceive it to be. Yes, it is horribly sad, but, when we sing that song, it’s not so much the sadness of nameless children that God brings to my mind but the thankfulness I feel when I dwell on the fact that God calls people to himself, people who, left to ourselves are spiritually orphaned, nameless and alone and He gives us a name. He gives us an identity that not even the worst of circumstances can take away. This ultimately brings to mind the joy I feel to personally have the privilege of caring for lost, forgotten or nameless children. That God would choose to call me to do this just baffles my mind.
We often have people say things to us like, “Wow, you’re super mom (or dad)!” Or they imply that we somehow must me really good or nice people because we foster/adopt. While we always appreciate the compliments and say “thank you,” we don’t foster because we are extra good people and we haven’t chosen to adopt because we are super nice. It’s quite the opposite, actually. As those who are close to us know, sometimes we aren’t nice people and sometimes we aren’t even particularly good parents, YET, God has chosen to give my orphaned heart a name. He’s chosen to turn my ashes to beauty. He’s chosen to turn my mourning to dancing and made a way for mercy to come in. “When death was arrested and my life began.”
Released from my chains I’m a prisoner no more
My shame was a ransom He faithfully bore
He cancelled my debt and He called me His friend
When death was arrested and my life began.
And it’s all gloriously free to me! All I have to do is accept His free gift.
Every time I hear or sing that song I can’t help but take in those words and feel joy and tremendous thankfulness. The experiences we’ve had has served to give a picture story to the abundant grace and mercy God has shown us.
We have nothing to offer God, we are sinners- “But God demonstrates His love towards us that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us.”
We are without hope- “For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you, to give you a hope and a future.”
We mourn- “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”
We are lost- “For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost.”
When I hear the song I see the faces and stories of kids we’ve had the privilege of caring for. I think of the thousands of kids (around 40,000 in Georgia alone) who are currently in foster care who find themselves, at no fault of their own, in situations that are in need of redeeming. God reminds me of how He redeemed me and my circumstances. Then He reminds me that He works through me to demonstrate that redeeming love to a small handful of little ones.
That is why we do foster and adoptive care.
When I think of myself in light of what God has saved me from, saving me from the products of my own doing, how can I not seek to demonstrate that towards children who are lost without hope at no choice of their own? Not because I am so great but because God is so good.
For us, as Christians, foster and adoptive care isn’t saintly. We’re just normal people responding to the multitude of what God has done for us.
